and then there's the settlement

one time, just one time
i would like to meet someone who doesn't, not any little bit
have a shitty, sad story.
does that even exist?

you ask the drunk guy, passed out somewhere
why did he drink so much?
because he's sad.
no one ever drinks to excess
repeatedly
because they're HAPPY.

i have recently gotten a bit of a stranglehold
on the reasons i like to drink beer
and i must say, it's ugly
one of those episodes that shouldn't be aired
and who doesn't have those, anyway.

mother of god, why don't they make more movies and books
that DON'T emulate life.
that would be so much more pleasant.

magic-soak in my spine

day three of quaratine
due to the piggy sniffles
bored. never have any free time
now i have oodles, and no idea what to do with myself

went for a three-hour walk along the river
although i'm supposed to stay cooped in the apt
i had to get out and breathe some fresh air
i love walking because it means thinking happens too
and it sluices out all of those little thoughts
trapped like aphids in spider webs
(cob webs?)

and here, on day three of nothing,
of limited social contact and communication,
day three of leper-hood
i realized that i actually NEED people.
i always fancied myself someone who is fine on their own
and i am--until i don't want to be on my own anymore
and then i feel pretty lonely.
when you're already a little blue, it easy
to let other blue-ish feelings
turn into great big dark clouds. it's a downward spiral.
but that's the beauty of walking, it makes you think far-out thoughts.

so here's what i figured out today:
i'm okay with all of the decisions i've made over the past six months.
i regret nothing.
ok--one small thing, but it's so small that it's hardly worth it.
also figured out that i really, really miss running. gotta get it back.
getting sick was a blessing in disguise in many ways.
i like cheese way too much for my own good.
i need to trust my gut when it comes to people, i don't listen carefully enough.
i should talk less and listen more, all around.
i'm really glad i don't own a car anymore. what a headache.
i really want a cat.
i miss my friends back home. they make me happy.
i like my friends here. they're here, and they're pretty awesome.
i need to make time to let the creative side out more often.
no point in being angry about old shit anymore. gotta let it go.
should i try to find god? is he even out there somewhere?
my feet are screwy and i should address that--orthodics? insoles?
i like travel and i want more and more the older i get.
i should really persue the travel writer thing. what am i so afraid of??
i'm happy i joined the choir, but i remember why i quit this shit, too.
i should eat less pasta and rice. pants, tight.
gotta get the rest of those xmas packages sent out. oooh, lazy.

so i spent my afternoon playing around inside my head.
i bought some craft supplies and made a tacky felt bird thingy.
(i'll send that one to mom. she thinks anything i do is magic. typical mom.)
i watched some re-run movies on the tv.
russell crowe really is a babe. gladiator never gets old.

approaching the end of day three. everyone I know is out being social.
sean is with a buddy at hooters, drinks, wings, guy shit.
the girls are at the all-you-can-drink wine bar getting loopy on red.
i am at home with russell on the tube and a sore thumb from where i stuck the sewing needle in by accident earlier. and, i'm surprisingly content. i can be alone.
i CAN.

my own personal jesus

well hello.

if you're going to be here, i have to tell you:
i'm unreliable
inconsistant
sly-by-night
and most of the time i'm truant

but if you're here again
you probably already knew that
oh wise reader

be back in a while
have much to say and the filter is thick

of note

there was a time when i was really into writing on this blog.
now it's not much more than an infrequent nagging reminder
to write something on here, dammit.

alright:
i'm happy as hell.
things really couldn't be better
i have adventure and love in equal doses
i'm teaching again and it makes me feel worthwhile
i'm running again and it kills but it's good
i'm focusing on improving the parts of me that need it
and celebrating the parts of me that already kick ass.

how could life get much better?

i received so much ridicule and amazement from people back home
when i told them i was moving away
and even moreso when i said that sean was coming too
sometimes, outright disapproval and headshaking
but now here we are, we're safe and healthy
we're making more money and having more fun
than we ever did back home
and most importrantly,
we're HAPPY. what's that worth to all those people back home?

it's been a wonderful decision, to refuse to participate
in the recession and the joblessness
and the purveying gloom and doom that home is now famous for
it's been fantastic to come live in a bubble over here
protected from a shitty reality, in a sense
live in ignorant bliss, eating kimchi, sipping soju.
what's so wrong about that?


i'm happy.

sympathetic character

welcome to change.

i cleaned house--got rid of some unwanted stuff
some things, people that no longer belonged
i feel better now.

so much better, in fact,
that i went on down to the fish market to celebrate
my inner mollusk.